I wasn't sure I was going to keep writing this blog--more like those two posts came at moments of real desperation and I needed to just get it out. But, i got a comment! So strange how the sense that this might be part of a community rather than just a sort of lone diary entry just for me made me want to keep going. I read blogs all the time and never really understood that it matters whether you comment or don't comment. I thought this was just for me and it is/was. It certainly makes me feel better. But, I think there is an element of having it be something that can reach others that is important, of course, that is for me too.

So, I got my period. I kind of knew it was coming, but like each of the other months, I had elements of hope up to the very very end.

I cried and cried when it came. It is amazing how it just floods over you. I was visiting my parents on the east coast and M. wasn't with me.
i sort of held it together all through dinner with my family (lots of other stuff going on there) and thought maybe I was ok. But the second I said goodnight and went up to my room and called M. I just couldn;'t stop crying. I think this month signifies a shift from trying to believing there might be a problem. Before, I felt like I was in the range of normal (my own bizarre arbitrary assessment of normal), but this marked the 1 year try. I have a terrific friend who is a doctor that pointed out to me that the average time it takes for couples to conceive is a year, which means some more some less...yeah...but after a year they give you the fabulous "unexplained infertility" moniker.

Oh well. Little parts of me worry that maybe maybe the problem is my anxiety around this. I know how offensive, ridiculous, medically impossible, throw-back to notions of nineteenth century hysteria that sounds...but I am neurotic, so of course I am now neurotic about my neuroses. So...that said, we were planning to do clomid and IUI this cycle but, we HAVE to be in Hawaii for a wedding right around ovulation (bummer, I know) so now I have secret hope that tropical hawaiian vacation sex will lead to baby...

So much for lowering my expectations and thus my anxiety.

Chances are we are heading towards IUI in August...